Wednesday, November 30, 2022

I have this urge to write this. I even asked my guides why this was necessary. It was all in the past! But, thanks to "Mareng Taylor Swift", because of her heartbreaks and her music, she is what she is today. I might as well take advantage of my love for writing and my experiences ( Malapit ko na talagang pagkakitaan ito! haha) Kidding aside, I felt that I could use the past and my writing to share the lessons and realizations from the pains that I braved. I also asked them to hand me the right words and wisdom.

Six years ago, I had my first romantic relationship, which lasted for four years. We fell in love. We went out every Sunday to see films, explore restaurants and cafes, and spent most of the holidays marked on the calendar out of town. It was love, bliss, and fun; we couldn't get enough of each other. Frenzied. We talk every night on the phone until dawn and meet at the office to take care of our responsibilities during the weekdays. The thrill, eh?

Then came our struggles in the relationship months after we became official. We had our first breakup but later reconciled. That very problem kept us from telling anyone; I am an employee directly reporting to him, and worse, their family owns the company where I am working. Still, we lasted for four years, keeping it to ourselves. I got tired of hearing their so-called "rules." Mind you, I was the only one who was not exempt from the fact that he couldn't find a way because I have relatives working for the same company.

2020, a day after Christmas, I was kind of depressed from a lot of things, so I asked for us to part ways, and he agreed immediately. I was just looking for assurance that was never given. The breakup was like a drug withdrawal for me, literally. So when it sank in, I craved more and tried to get back, but to no avail.

It was a genuine love that I thought could beat the odds. I thought we were the same, but I was wrong. We are different in the first place. I have balls. Yes, we are different. He was a good son, trying not to disappoint his family. He found an easy solution at my expense.

After everything that happened, I am grateful that it ended. If not, I am still asking for the bare minimum and begging to be recognized as his significant other. I kid you not, there is no thrill in dating someone who doesn't want to make your relationship known. You aren't different from a kept woman. Don't be too excited, sis. Been there, done that.

I am grateful that it happened because it cleared the way for my spiritual journey. It helped me see myself from within, unlearning and relearning myself, setting boundaries on what I should tolerate in a relationship, and finding forgiveness and peace. The true meaning of happiness, and most importantly, calling all my energies back to where they should be given in the first place—to me. I needed to be shaken and dropped to the ground by the universe before realizing my worth.

I heard that there is something going on between him and his secretary. Even though I cut ties, rumors fly, my dear. (Masyadong obvious daw yang jowa mo. Kinikilig masyado). True or not, my ego would say, "I'm so disappointed." Why downgrade? "I think you can do better than that." My conscious self felt relief and happiness. Why? There came a point where I asked him about the girl, and he denied it. TWICE. I tell you, a woman's instinct really is something. I knew it, and I am proud of myself for that. He just made a fool of himself.

Was I jealous? NO. Why would I? If I had known, I would have gladly given him to her. (Ego/unconscious reaction, but the truth.) Lucky for her if he gets it right this time. Now I understand that I am not easy and that all he wanted was convenience. He would rather choose convenience than man up.

I am grateful to him, but to be honest, I pity him right now. I realized that he also did that to the girl before me. Repeated patterns are hard to break.

What good is it for me to write this? Nothing. But I know that I hold this power in my truth. I need to break free. I am not afraid anymore. He was a good man, though it was my love that made his presence special in my eyes. Without it, he's just ordinary. I know that we tried, but he didn't try harder. I don't regret the love that I gave, but I regret staying and begging.

Don't settle for that kind of treatment. You are worthy of a love that is not selfish— not just for fun times or when it is only convenient for them. You are worthy of a love that will not break when difficulties creep in.

I just wish them well. I pray for his maturity, happiness, and peace because I have found mine.

Love and light to everyone.

"I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say"-TS